Wow, what a difference a day makes. I did actually post that 'happy' post last night. And I meant every word of it. But, a few hours later, I wasn't so happy, so I took it down. I didn't want one happy thing representing yesterday. Because in a moment, it all came crashing down.
Not to worry... this is a 'funk' I've visited many times before, and unfortunately, I'm sure I'll visit many times to come. And just like every other time I've delved deep into the armpit of this 'situational' depression, I'll eventually come out of it. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later. I'm holding out for sooner, but fully prepared for later.
Some things are just too deeply personal to put out there on the world wide web for all to see. This would be one of those things. I won't go into any details, now or ever. But there's something about this place I seem to insist on visiting every so often that I just don't get.
I consider myself relatively intelligent. I managed to get a college education under my belt. Didn't do too bad academically. I like to think I have common sense.. at times, greater than average... sometimes, not so much. But, on balance, I 'get it'... ditsy, dense, dingy... don't think any of those words have ever been used to describe me, at least not to my knowledge.
All of that being said... can someone, anyone, please tell me, or at least *try* to explain to me, why, just *why*, when I'm equipped with a fully functioning brain, do I get such a twisted perspective on something that my own logic tells me is messed up??? Not only do I have said perspective, but I allow it to permeate every single fiber of my being. I don't give it permission, in fact, I tell it to go to hell. But it doesn't listen. Ever. And it's so predictable... as predictable as N's bedtime routine.
I'll try to explain... something happens (or doesn't happen)... I *know* what it means when it happens or doesn't happen... pretty basic, really... nothing 'hidden' or to be implied. It just is what it is. Scenario one: something happens: instead of just taking it for what it is, possibly, even garnering a bit of enjoyment from it, I insist over and over on picking it to pieces... pulling it apart like the layers of an onion, scribing my inaccurate perspective on every single layer, every single cell. And *then* it becomes what I have made it... it isn't any longer what it was... it's what I've created in my mind. Scenario two: something doesn't happen: instead of just carrying on and staying happy, I start peeling that onion again. Scribing, yet again, this perspective that I've come to coddle onto every single layer. Lather, rinse, repeat. Yes, time and painful time again, I do the *same* thing over and over.
I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. That is me. Insane. So, why? I have the knowledge, I have the foresight, I have the logic. I *know* what's going to happen... hell, I could write the script now. And the script never changes.
What I need to understand, figure out, *get*... is how, how on earth do you change your perspective? When it becomes so ingrained that you now actually believe it to be truth, yet you *know* it isn't? How? Self-talk doesn't work. As I go through the motions, I say the same things over and over. I don't listen.
And I'm tired. So very tired. I want something new to worry about. I want this weight off of my shoulders. I want to feel free from it. I want to be truly happy. I want to stop giving into the demon that is my perspective. I want to take back control. I want to take back power, to feel powerful... not powerless. I just don't like feeling sad.
Addendum (5/17/07) Thank all of you for your concern. I feel kinda bad, because I'm realizing that this post probably conveyed a much more serious level of 'depression' than I had intended. Please, I don't want any of you to worry about me. I'm fine, really. There's just this *thing* that won't go away, that always makes me feel yucky when it rears it's ugly head. That's all. It doesn't overtake me. Life goes on. I'm quite sure the people I work with don't even notice a difference when it's around. I work very closely with several people, who would definitely know. And, I work in a field where if clinical depression were suspected, trust me, it would *not* go unmentioned. So, again, your concern has been overwhelming... and from the bottom of my heart, Thank You!