July 11, 2007


Ever just get into a 'funk'... you know, just feeling down, sad.

I guess it's symptomatic of depression, but I really don't think that's necessarily the case for me. I've lived with depression, and because of that, I am probably more prone to suffering again, but, I'll just, for the purpose of this vent, clarify that I really don't think it's reached that point. yet.

At this moment, what I want to do is crawl under my covers, turn off my phone, disconnect the doorbell and stay there. For however long it takes.

I think I know why I'm feeling like this. Not quite ready to go to that level in 'blog-land' just yet, tho. Sorry. I'm sure most will understand.

Thing is, if I'm right about what has put me into this funk, my problem is that there is just absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I know, because I've been here before. It's all me and I can't fix it.

Ever been at a point in your life where you just have everything you've ever dreamed of having? Healthy (I wouldn't dare type p-e-r-f-e-c-t), happy kids... a wonderful marriage... a doting, couldn't-have-hand-picked-him-any-better-if-I'd-tried husband... way too many pets who just fit in this family perfectly... a great job that I absolutely love (finally found one I can actually see myself doing for a long period of time, instead of dreaming up excuses to call in sick)... a 'purpose'? Yet, at the same time, your self-confidence feels, at times, like it is at an all time low... you can't remember a time in your life where you felt like crying at the drop of a hat so often... you've got it so good, you're constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop"... possibly creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by single-handedly, subconsciously sabotaging it all at the same time?

I often think it's hormones. About three years ago, I had a 'work-up' with my gyn, and the tests, then, indicated that I'm pre-menopausal, more so than the average (then) 32-year-old. These results didn't surprise me... I started my period much earlier than my peers, developed much earlier, so, I naturally expect for it all to come to the crashing end sooner, as well. Which, honestly, is fine... I'm certainly done having children and the sooner I can stop having to bother with my 'monthly visitor', the better. But, jeez! If this *is* hormones, I don't know if I'd rather just flow once a month for the rest of my life, rather than feel like shit.

I dunno... sometimes it's cathartic just getting it out. Or, I may not even post this, or delete it when i get up in the morning. ::shrug::

I have to say, mostly because I know he feels so helpless when I'm like this, that Steve is wonderful to me. He knows. He just does. And it kills me to see him feel the way he does when I'm freakish. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that we have a perfect marriage... but it works for us... very well. I've (obviously) been married before and I can remember, looking across the table at 'him', thinking, this is it? this is where I'll be in 50 years? I was one of those wives who wondered what in the hell would be left when the kids leave home (and I was still having babies!!!). I knew I was looking at someone who I would never, in a million years, chose as my friend, so what in the hell was I doing with him as my husband? So, I got out. And now, I look at Steve and I can't wait for tomorrow to come... I can't wait for next week to come... I look forward to every single second I spend with him and just hope and pray that we get an eternity of moments together. I can't imagine life without him and actually look forward to looking across the table in 50 (God willing) years, and seeing him sitting there staring back at me (I may have to wipe his drool, or his ass... but, hell, I even look forward to that... crazy, huh?!).

I'm in a funk. And it sucks. It sucks real bad.

I'm going to go under the covers...


BetteJo said...

When I was peri-menopausal - which I suppose I still am but it can last as long as 10 years - the doc put me on the pill for a while and it restored my sanity for a while.

But - I do take medication for depression and I changed my meds at that point at that may have been what really helped. I will take it for the rest of my life - depression runs in my family. Luckily it's usually a low level depression.

Hope you pull the covers down and peek out soon - I know the feeling of absolute hopelessness when everything around you is "just right". Doesn't seem fair somehow, and people don't understand because they tend to think - "what the heck do YOU have to complain about??" I know, I know. Just awful.

Wishing you well ~


Steve said...

Darling ....

I *get* what you are saying.

I think our marriage, and you, are perfect.